When I was in high school, my mother remarried again for God only knows how many times at this point, and she married someone who owned a bar. And of course, she was a drinker, so they were always gone at the bar, working at the bar, drinking at the bar, and I, just being a curious teenager, kind of went through their stuff. I found marijuana. I found a few other things, and so I kind of dabbled and tried it, and I remember that I would just get so easily frustrated about things, and when I smoked, it was like I just had this feeling like everything just kind of magically went away. And I knew at the time that I liked that. I liked that feeling of not worrying, of not stressing, of not being frustrated, and so as time went on, I experimented with things here and there.
I got pregnant with my first child when I was 14, and so I dropped out of high school. At this point, the only thing I had done was smoke weed and tried alcohol, and so I quit doing everything, and I ended up having this child, and the child ended up at a few months old, her grandparents -- which, I moved in with my boyfriend. My mom pretty much wrote down on a little piece of paper, gave permission to them to care for me, I guess, since I was still under the age, and that hurt. So, his parents were not the most upstanding people either. They had me sign a piece of paper. What they told me was that if anything ever happened to me, that they would be able to take care of the baby because obviously, my mom didn’t want me, so she wouldn’t want my child either. [02:20]
So, I signed it, and a few weeks later, I got pulled over and got arrested for kidnapping my own child, apparently. And they ended up -- we went to court, and because I pretty much had nowhere to go and no family support, they ended up taking my daughter from me, and at that point, that was the only thing I had left. She was my world at that time, and so at that point, really, I lost it. I started drinking. I got really heavy into drinking. I started going out to clubs with a fake ID.
I met some 28-year-old man when I was 17 who lived in Virginia and decided that I was going to just move in with him, and I did at 17 and didn’t realize at the time that he was a dealer, and so with the fact of him being a dealer, that kind of led me into quite a bit of other experimenting and using different substances, just a lot, cocaine and ecstasy and different pills and just a lot of stuff on top of all the drinking. And at the time, I just thought I was partying. I would party all the time and everything like that. Looking back on it now, I know it was a bit more than just partying when it gets to a point where you can’t sleep if you don’t have a drink.
So, I broke up with this guy, and I floated around, kind of couch surfing in Virginia for probably a good year, maybe longer, just different people I knew, literally sleeping on couches, going out to bars every night and just getting completely obliviated to the point where I blacked out every night, every night. And it got to be a bit tiring after a while, and so I called my mom (laughs) and asked if I could come and stay with her, even though she was sleeping on somebody else’s couch. But they allowed me to come and say, and so I moved back to Maryland, and that’s when I ran into somebody I had dated in high school. We started just kind of hanging out, spending time together. [05:09]
He was prescribed medication because he apparently injured his back or something. I didn’t care enough to ask, honestly. I just started taking pills, and it was like the cycle started all over again for me, except for this time, it got a lot deeper and a lot heavier with opiates specifically. It was to the point where I couldn’t find enough to keep getting that same feeling that I was looking for, that feeling of, at least to me, being at peace within myself. So, there became a point where not only did I need more, but I needed it, period, because if not, then I noticed I was getting sick.
So, I was sick one day. We couldn’t find any pills, and that’s when somebody was like, “Hey, I can get you some heroin,” and I was like, “Oh, my God, I don’t do that stuff.” I was totally that person at that time, thinking that my drugs aren’t as bad as your drugs, kind of thing, but I ended up doing it. And before you knew it, I was injecting it and started doing a lot of things that I never in my life dreamed that I would do to get what I needed to stay what I thought was well, at the time, to stay well.
And honestly, I don’t think that anything would have changed if I didn’t get pregnant with my now 10-year-old daughter. I found out that I was pregnant while I was still injecting heroin, and that was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t think that treatment programs even accepted pregnant women. So, I started looking around because I was like, “You know, at some point, I’ve got to stop.” [07:14]
Not too long after that, probably three o’clock in the morning, the doors got kicked in. Flashbangs were thrown in the house, and the house got raided. I hadn’t done anything, and they had no proof that I had done anything, so aside from questioning me forever about some things that the guy I was with at the time had done, thankfully they didn’t take me to jail or anything, but they did take him. And so, at that point, I was like, “You know what? I can’t keep going down this road,” and so I found a detox facility for pregnant women, and so I went and detoxed. That was my first experience with any kind of treatment. It was my first experience trying to come off of a substance that my body was needing in order to stay well, and so I detoxed. And I remember, honestly, I was so kind of out of it, in and out of it in there, but I remember them telling me I had to go to either NA or AA meeting in there, in the facility, and so that the first time I was exposed to that as well. I remember going to the meeting, and I remember honestly, it just felt kind of very, I hate to say it, but like cultish. They all said all these things at the same time, and I had no idea what was going on, and I was just very confused, and not that the people there weren’t trying to be welcoming or trying to be -- it just didn’t feel right to me. So, time went on.
I used on and off through the remainder of my pregnancy because at that time, all I had done was detox and went to one meeting. And I didn’t know what recovery was at that time, but I knew that that wasn’t what it was for me. I ended up delivering my daughter, and then I ended up relapsing after having her, and the guy that I was with ended up getting out. So, this whole time, I’d been staying with his parents because I had nowhere else to go, so they let me and the baby stay there, and he went to prison for the stuff he had done. Well, he came home from prison about two years later. She was two. I had been using on and off. I got arrested in Baltimore somewhere and called them, begging them to come get me because of course, I’d been using, so I was sitting in jail, sick, and just my mom was still living with them at the time too, so they came and got me eventually. [10:11]
That was the first time that I was ever given an opportunity to try suboxone, to get put on something. I thought that I was just supposed to take it to detox. I never realized that it was something that you could stay on. But at that time, also, I wasn’t ready to give up using either, so I kept using on and off, and then I ended up getting arrested a few more times for possession charges or paraphernalia charges or this or that, and then before you knew it, the house got raided again, and it was just like this continuing cycle. So, I ended up leaving and going to -- I was in jail. They sent me to some treatment program in Baltimore City, and it was some long-term program, and somebody snuck drugs in there. I ended up using again, left there with some guy, just seems to be my MO, move from one guy to another, and left there with him, ended up getting pregnant by him.
I was using a little bit on and off, but I was more so using his drug of choice and not mine. But I was also, again, pregnant and using and didn’t really know what to do because I knew I had a warrant out for my arrest, so I called my mom (laughs) and asked if we could come and stay there until after I had the baby, and then I would turn myself in. At least, that was the plan.
So, we went and stayed. The guy that I was with was very abusive, physically, mentally. My mom saw me walk out of the room with a black eye one day. I mean, the whole side of my face was just like one big bruised-up lump. And she tried saying something, being the mother, trying to be protective of me. And instead of me admitting, I tried to protect him, like it was my fault that I had an entirely bruised face. It just didn’t make sense, but at the time, my head just -- I wasn’t working on my mental health. I didn’t even realize that that was a thing at the time. And so, I stood up for him, and she left, and I didn’t see her for a few hours until she came home one day, and she just had this look on her face. And I turned around and looked behind her, and there’s the sheriff’s office. They had the house surrounded, and they came. And mind you, at this point, I’m like seven-and-a-half months pregnant. And so, they arrested me for my warrant, and I went and sat in the detention center. [13:11]
They had to continue giving me Tylenol 3 with codeine while I was in there because they weren’t equipped to detox a pregnant female, so I had to take those until I delivered, and then I had to quit cold turkey. But I delivered a child while incarcerated, and I had to give him up and then go back to jail two days after delivering. It was very, very hard to give a child life and be there for two days with them and then have to turn around and leave and go back to jail, knowing that I was facing substantial time. So, right before I delivered, I actually went to my sentencing hearing, and they sentenced me to 21 years in prison.
I was able to find a family through a church that I went to to take the baby. And originally, the plan was for them just to keep him until I was able to see if I was going to come home and all this and that, but just that whole experience and just all of those feelings, I would not wish that on anyone. It was just -- there’s not even a word to describe the way that it felt, I mean just completely demolished everything about me. When I got up to the Department of Corrections, I had a lot of time to think, to sit still and really just kind of think about what I wanted for myself. Is this the life I want to continue? And so, when I got up there, I decided that I was going to try to work to get my GED because I never completed high school, and so I just kind of started. I set goals for myself, and I started accomplishing them. I got out of the Department of Corrections after two years. They reconsidered my sentence and allowed me to come home and do the drug court program.
I finally entered into therapy, and I started realizing that it wasn’t just substances that were my problem, which is what I thought. It was me. It was the reason I was using the substances. It was why I wanted to feel numb. It was why I didn’t want to feel certain feelings, why I didn’t want to just deal with things at all. I just shut down. So, for the first time, I really started working on me, like altogether, trying to cut out certain substances, trying to work on my mental health. And for the first time for me, that’s what I considered myself to be in recovery. I started feeling like a human being again. I started feeling like I had worth. I started feeling like I could live a productive life. I could even be an actual mom and not just a mother by name, not just because I gave birth to a child but because I’m the one actually caring for the child. I’m the one doing the day-to-day. [16:49]
So, with all that said, to me, that’s what recovery is, is feeling like you can be whatever it is you want to be, whether it’s a mom or -- but there was still something missing. I still kept having these cravings, and I just kept wanting to use. I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I felt like I was doing so well, and then I just had all this shame because I kept feeling like I wanted to use. It just brought up so much guilt within me, and so I went and I talked to a center and kind of explained all that, and they suggested trying MAT therapy. And I wasn’t really sure what that was. Again, I thought it was just something that people used to detox. And so, when they kind of explained everything and I started my MAT journey, and I found that missing piece.
It just made me feel whole, and I’m not saying that it was that alone. It was mix of the medication, continuing therapy, continuing to keep in the forefront of my mind what I need to do to stay well. What do I need to do to make sure that I’m not letting myself get overwhelmed, to make sure that if I’m doing something, I’m doing it at a pace that I’m comfortable with. There’s a lot that goes into it, and sometimes it’s a struggle, and sometimes it’s not, but it’s definitely a lot less of a struggle now than it ever has been. I consider myself in recovery, and I know that not everybody has that same view, but they’re not living my life. [18:56]
When I got pregnant with my youngest, I had been on MAT for, I think, two and a half years by this point. I had, during that time, never given them a dirty urine. I attended all my appointments on time. I just lived a productive life. I got up. I went to work. So, when I found out that I was pregnant, part of me was excited, but a part of me was nervous because I knew that I was going to most likely have to face some hardships, being strictly just because I was on MAT. And that alone created some fear within me, just knowing the way people view it, specifically OB-GYNs, doctors, even nurses, some hospital staff.
So, getting further along in the pregnancy, I made every OB appointment on time. Getting closer to the point of delivery, my MAT provider tried to kind of prepare me for what I could be facing as far as the withdrawals that the baby could have because of the MAT, which unfortunately is something I knew was very possible. But what they don’t really kind of point out with all of it is that when you deliver, and if your child shows withdrawal symptoms from the medication, then CPS will get involved. If the child does not show withdrawal symptoms, then they don’t get involved.
And that to me is absolutely just backwards. You would think that if a child tests positive for something that the mother is taking that is a prescribed medication -- they verified it -- but they still have to get involved. They have to come out and do a home check. They have to come out and check on the baby. It’s this whole process you have to go through, and it’s like you’re being shamed all over again as if you’re not good enough; you’re not a good mother. I did everything to a T, the way that I was told to do it and the way that I agreed to do it with my healthcare provider, but because my child tested positive and showed withdrawal symptoms from the medication, whereas someone who their child may not show withdrawal symptoms, CPS will get involved if they show withdrawal symptoms. [21:46]
So, my child ended up having to go to children’s hospital because of the withdrawal symptoms, and so Child Protective Services got involved, whereas another mother who was in the same program as me delivered a few weeks later, but because her child didn’t show withdrawal symptoms within the first five days, she was able to take her child home to a motel room, and Child Protective Services never got involved. And so, even though I did everything right, everything like I was supposed to, everything I agreed that I would do, the law does not reflect the difference, and so no matter if you do everything right or not, you still have this shame put on you, and it’s bad enough that you are already feeling shame because you created this live, but because of the fact that you’re taking a medication that yes, you need, so it’s almost like a double-edged sword; you know you need it for your recovery, but you also know that it may have side effects on the child.
And so, as I’m sitting there with my child who’s withdrawing from my medication, trying to care for her and try to keep her as comfortable as possible, I have CPS calling me and hounding me and all of this, again, because I did everything right like I was supposed to, but because of the luck of the draw and my child showed withdrawal symptoms, whereas some other babies may not. [23:20]
A woman should not be shamed for creating a life, doing something beautiful, supposed to be one of the most amazing times of a person’s life, and you should not steal and rob them of that joy by shaming them because they take a medication. You wouldn’t shame a person who’s diabetic for taking their insulin if insulin had a side effect on the child while pregnant, so why would you do the same thing for someone who’s on MAT?
I know that for me, when I talk to different people, whether it’s people in the community or even different providers, that when they ask me how long I’ve been on medicated assisted treatment, and I tell them that I have been on suboxone for a little over five years now, they are kind of shocked because a lot of people, from what I’ve seen, they do look at it as a more short-term solution. [24:32]
Again, I use this example. I probably play it out way too much, but it just makes so much sense: why would you ask a sick person to not take a medication that makes them well, strictly because of the medication it is? That doesn’t make sense to me. You wouldn’t ask somebody with heart disease to not take their heart medication or diabetes to not take their insulin. So, as far being long term, short term on suboxone, I think that whatever works for that specific person for their recovery and what they want their recovery to look like, then that’s what it should be. I don’t think that people should judge someone because they’re on it for a month or five years. As long as they are successful in their recovery, you would think that’s what they would want is for them to just be successful no matter what.
Now my life is I’m engaged to be married, and I have full custody of my daughter back that I fought for quite some time to get, and I now have the baby, who will be two in July. I work for the State of Maryland at the Health Department, specifically the Local Behavioral Health Authority. I am the PATH peer coordinator, so I am a peer support specialist, and I work primarily with the homeless population in Calvert County. Most of them do struggle with a serious mental illness, and that’s specifically what the PATH program is for. I help them get connected to resources. I provide peer support. I provide care coordination and a few other number of things, but I get to come to work. I get to work with people trying to help them, which is what I’ve always wanted to do. I am maintaining my recovery. I have my kids. I have my family, and that is my life, so I’m blessed to have everything I have. [26:48]