Summer 2020
Shame and Stigma
by Nina Ovian
I have been working on reducing the stigma within marginalized communities for several years now and while I have learned a great deal through these experiences, I find it equally important to continue my education on how best to support healing communities through books and other forms of media. One author I have found myself drawn to in this work has been Brene Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, and her writing on shame.
Shame is something that I struggled with for many years and was the motivation behind reading her work initially, but as I read these books I was able to make connections between shame and stigma and how understanding that connection is also vital to my work as an Anti-Stigma Project workgroup member and facilitator. In her #1 New York Times Bestseller, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brown describes shame as “the fear of disconnection - it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection (pg 68-69).”
I was struck by this definition when considering stigma, because while the feared action is turned on its head, the result is similar. Stigma is the fear of someone else deeming you unworthy of connection based on pre-judgements about who they think you are. While the individual being stigmatized determines the impact we know that this can carry a shame that can convince the person that they deserve to be disconnected from others. We know that stigma can carry shame, but I urge us to further investigate the relationship between the two when seeking solutions.
Brown explains that “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable....If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees...Language and story bring light to shame and destroy it (pg 67).” We know through our anti-stigma training that the power of language, story, and human connection can reduce stigma within behavioral health, providing this common weakness between stigma and shame can help us better formulate ways to reduce them both.
Better understanding this connection, the next step is to identify how we can work to break them down. Stigma often goes hand in hand with shame, and they often work together to exacerbate feelings of isolation and self-doubt, but we must be clear to not confuse shame with guilt. Brown first differentiates the difference between shame and guilt, guilt being a positive motivator regarding something you have done wrong and can improve on, versus shame where what you don’t have made you into a lesser person and you cannot improve with that self-conscious outlook (pg 71-72). Many people think you cannot relate to people experiencing shame or stigma because they cannot understand exactly what it is like to have those experiences. Instead Brown focuses on how we use empathy to connect with the emotion even when you can not imagine the situation (pg. 81). Brown describes shame resilience as being “about moving from shame to empathy - the real antidote to shame (pg 74).” When breaking down stigma we take a similar approach, appealing to people’s empathy and connection to others.
Moving forward Brown identifies vulnerability and discomfort as barriers to shame resilience, barriers that are most certainly true of stigma work as well. Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure (pg 34).” While this definition can make many people wary of what comes after, Brown stresses that vulnerability is not a weakness, but to live within vulnerability is to “dare greatly”. That if people want to grow and connect they must embrace vulnerability to allow themselves to be open to new experiences and ideas. When challenging stigma we are asking people to reevaluate their beliefs and understandings of people, many of which are often rooted in painful experiences and emotion.
While we can see vulnerability in others as brave or courageous, many of us fail to view it as such in our own lives. We devour and share stories of other people’s vulnerability, while still refusing to do the work for ourselves (pg. 41-42). It is normal to fear vulnerability as weakness, but it is also the starting point for growth and transformation in the way we understand ourselves and connect with others. Sometimes being vulnerable means admitting you were wrong in your past actions or admitting that you caused harm to others, we need to foster environments where these things can be discussed and processed without the accompaniment of shame dragging us down.
We know that vulnerability is essential to the work that we do so we can not simply remove it, but we can work on removing the shame from it. Brown makes the distinction that “feedback thrives in cultures where the goal is not ‘getting comfortable with hard conversations’ but normalizing discomfort (pg 198)”. When making the discomfort in anti-stigma work more normalized, we can begin to experience vulnerability much more freely without the fear that it will make us weak or undesirable.
Before reading Brown’s work I would have never considered that research on shame existed. It seemed like too vague of an emotion to study and I felt powerless against it. I first read her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” several years ago and was transformed personally in how I approach my relationship to shame. While I found it made me better in my work as a social worker and community organizer, I did not dwell on it too much. Reading Daring Greatly now, since transitioning into this educational role I have found that it helps me understand the why of what I do in workshops and helps me grow as a facilitator and a person.